I think it’s hard for others to imagine what it looks like in the life of someone who has lost someone as close as my Joshua. Thinking back on the times I’ve known others who lost a child or a spouse, I can honestly say I just didn’t know. This is not a reality anyone wants others to experience. I appreciate the fact that sometimes other’s can’t relate. As much as I wish those around me could understand, I’m glad they can’t. It’s a really strange place to be.
I know I won’t be able to fully explain how I feel but here is my humble attempt. Let me start by saying I feel like a walking contradiction. I want to hear from people but I don’t want anyone offended if I don’t reply. I don’t want to be asked how I am or if I’m ok. Those are questions I can only answer with honesty. Then I will get in my head and think about what I said and assume it probably made the asker feel uncomfortable. Because, really and truly, I’m doing pretty terrible most days…just going through the motions like I’m feeling my way through the dark. I want people to offer to help but I don’t want them to ask what they can do. The truth is, I don’t know. I just know I need something. Just pick anything. I promise it will be appreciated, even if I forget to say thank you. I want to be alone but I want someone to sit with me. Most days I don’t have the energy to talk to people but I have times I just want to vent. Then again, I struggle to fully let anyone in right now. I want to go to work but even small tasks take way more effort than ever before and I just don’t have enough whatever to accomplish much each day. Not to mention even the smallest hiccups cause me to turn into a bawling, stressed out mess. I want to take on lots of things to distract myself but I don’t want to do anything at all. I want to completely change the course of my life because how can I possibly continue on the same as before but I want my life to go back to the way it was before, as if Joshua were still here. I feel self absorbed and consumed with grief but worried about how I make others feel. I feel like I shouldn’t be concerned with what others think but I am.
From the outside looking in, I imagine this could look like I am isolating myself, not having faith, giving up, wallowing in self pity, pushing others away, or not trying. What is really happening is I’m protecting myself emotionally and mentally, clinging to my faith because that’s all that’s keeping me going, allowing myself to process which involves a lot of tears and way more mental capacity than I ever could have fathomed, thinking of others because I know I am a lot to deal with right now and I don’t want to be a burden or make anyone uncomfortable, and I’m doing as much as I possibly can and there is nothing left at the end of the day.
I had a friend who lost her husband a little over a year ago. I remember not being sure what to do to help. I knew she was hurting and I wanted to just be there for her but I didn’t ever want her to feel like she had to “entertain” me if I came over. I recognized that she didn’t want to ask for anything. She expressed that she didn’t want to be a burden. She also said that she thought people would just get tired of hearing her talk about her loss. I told her that was far from the truth and I meant it. Which is why I tried to just show up without expectation (though I wish I had done it more). But, here I am, roles reversed and I can totally relate to what she was saying 1000%. I feel it. I have those same thoughts and reservations about reaching out no matter how much I know I wanted to be of help when I was on the outskirts of her grief.
I know from wanting to be there for her and others when they have experienced loss that it’s not an imposition for those who love us. People want to help even when nothing can take the pain away. Please just know it’s hard to ask for what we need when we are walking through it. For one, we really don’t know what we need. It’s more than that, though. For me, I’m aware the world has to keep going but I’m stuck. I cannot reasonably expect others to be stuck with me. And, I won’t lie, there is a tinge of concern that someone may try to minimize my agony or try to pull me out of the mire. This is my grief and I know that I cannot expect others to fully understand my process in this. It’s so personal and so unique and in a lot of ways a very private journey.
I appreciate those who choose to reach out or show up for me in this season. Especially since I cannot expend the energy it takes to initiate a dialogue or to even be able to communicate what I do need. So if you are on the banks of another’s loss, I encourage you to cast the line. Whether you send a text to express prayers of comfort, deliver a meal, or bring coffee and just sit with them and listen. If you are able, consider something practical like helping with the kids, ordering groceries, running the vacuum, picking up limbs from the yard, or even just walking the dog. Just remember though, if you ask what we need, chances are we just won’t know.
