Everyone says the firsts are hard. It’s only been two months since we lost you and here we are at one of those firsts. The last maybe ten days have been filled with more tears than I knew I could shed. I have grappled with so many emotions. I have wanted to throw things, tear stuff up, scream, cry, and just stay in the bed. And I have done many of those things. I don’t know if the numbness and shock is still dissipating or if the impending date of your first birthday since you left this world was more than my heart could hold in one day. Maybe a combination of all of it?
The day has now come and gone. The day I dreaded and looked forward to at the same time. The day that I always celebrated your entrance into our lives as a 9lb 5oz bundle of joy. And oh how much joy you brought to so many in the years you were shared with us!! This year I had to figure out how to celebrate and honor you without you. Anyone who knows me at all knows I wanted things to be just right and I would stress over every little detail. And that’s exactly what I did.
I visit your resting place at least once a week, sometimes more, sometimes even more than once in a day. I was so tired of your spot being bare so I was determined that this visit I would not leave it that way. I envisioned a stone bench and an invitation for the birds to visit and something to let everyone who visits or passes through know how much you loved to fish. This was also an opportunity to include Daniel and Addie as they had yet to have a chance to be a part of the ceremonious goodbyes. And Addie has been insisting that you need some chocolate cake. It turned out to be quite the feat to turn these ideas into reality.
I spent more hours in bed than out in the past week or so and I struggled to accomplish much, but I found reprieve in moments when I was able to get even a tiny detail planned for this day that was barreling closer. And then the weather…the snow and ice threw a wrench in all my plans. Would we have to postpone? Would this be a day that I would wind up spending quietly at home alone? Would we even be able to get to the cemetery to do something special? I couldn’t find a bench, I delayed getting a cake thinking we would have to wait and then the main roads cleared surprisingly fast, Amazon orders were delayed, it seemed like one thing after another. I will admit that I was frustrated and angry. All right in sync with this roller coaster I’ve been on for two months.
In the end, I had to get really creative and we ran all over town last minute to gather the things but it all worked out. We got through this day. We celebrated YOU! We celebrated all the love you gave while here on earth. We found ways to share with others who love you. There were tears but there were also laughs and so many hugs. So much love was shared! I really hope you got to see and hear it all.
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