The Elephant in the Room

It has been five long weeks since Joshua has been gone from this world. Every morning is like a new kick in the face when awaking to that reality again. While it’s been hard and sad, I have reflected with family and friends on many of the beautiful memories we were able to create with Joshua.

Joshua will live on in the hearts of so many people who love him and whom he loves. He will forever be a part of our lives…Joshua’s Dad and I, our spouses, Joshua’s siblings, grandparents, nieces and nephews, other extended family, friends, and coworkers. There will never be a family gathering, event, or milestone where Joshua will not continue to be present with us and take up just as much space in those moments as when he walked on this earth. I thank his sister for putting that into words so elegantly.

We know that the world will move on and many of his roles will have to be filled. We acknowledge and pray blessings over those who carry the torch. While all of Joshua’s family and friends will live with this grief for the remainder of our lives, we will move forward and carry Joshua with us as we learn to build a new normal supporting one another through this journey.

With all of that said, I believe it is only right that I address the elephant in the room. While these past 5 weeks have been full of processing and remembering, I have also been on a mission to understand the hours, days, and weeks preceding his death. What I discovered is that Joshua was not miserable, he was not depressed, and he was not living in a state of despair. Joshua was living his life and loving those around him fully. He was not masking. It was not even in his capacity to do so…he was never afraid to share his heart and his feelings openly with those he loved.

Joshua was always a future thinker. He knew what he wanted from life and he worked diligently towards goals in everything he did. And he was doing just that up until his final moments. He was buying Christmas presents for his parents and siblings, he adopted a puppy and was researching how to housebreak him, he was working on enrolling to complete his final classes at UALR, he was working with a counselor and identifying his core values and what shaped his beliefs, he was making plans for his next steps in his career path, he was spending time with friends making ornaments, going on fishing trips, and even going out to have a good time and making new friends when he was off of work. He was doing these things even in his final hours.

While we know Joshua was moving forward with his life, we also know that he dealt with anxiety and we recognize that it only takes a moment for anxiety to rob a person of their peace. Joshua was in transition and a valley of decisions concerning many areas of his life. We believe that in a moment of uncertainty, a feeling of being trapped took over and the enemy entered in, causing him to spiral and blinded him to the reality that this moment was fleeting. While we will never have all the answers, we know that Joshua has always loved his family and friends deeply and he will always know how loved he is by all of us. I do not believe that was ever in question. We have no doubt that this was not the result of any particular event in his life or a lack of love or self worth, but was actually a culmination of many stressors that had likely been building for some time and the enemy used a moment of overwhelm and heightened anxiety to lie to him and make him feel trapped.

Anxiety is real, panic attacks are real. They are scary and in that moment it can feel like there is no way out. They can literally be suffocating. The scariest part of this is that no one can fully predict when they will happen and sometimes they can be really hard to stop. Please know that if you or anyone you know suffers from anxiety or panic attacks, please do not dismiss them or minimize them. Talk to someone. Have a plan for if you or your loved one is ever alone when they experience heightened anxiety. Seek counseling. There is no shame in getting help. Do not be afraid to advocate for a loved one and encourage them to do these things. Check on them often and reach out to someone if you are ever concerned about their mental state. If you experience anxiety attacks, don’t be afraid to talk about your triggers with others around you so that they can help to avoid them or check on you when they are unavoidable.

As Joshua’s family and friends, we are now survivors of suicide loss. This is a title no one wants and I certainly never anticipated. But we now have an opportunity and a responsibility to be open about our loss and about Joshua’s struggles so that we can help be a part of the solution to this problem that has reached epidemic proportions. Had he died in a car accident or from cancer, would we be silent? The stigma attached to suicide, anxiety, and any other mental health topic is isolating and prevents those of us left here with a feeling of discomfort that should never be present. The only way to help others is to break the silence and stop letting people feel isolated and alone in surviving such a tragic and devastating loss.

We will never not remember Joshua and we will always talk about the way he lived but we also cannot be silent about his death.

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