I have processed and ruminated and rolled things around until you would think there was nothing left to think about. While it’s exhausting, it’s necessary. My therapist told me today that we have to do this. It’s part of the process. It won’t stop until we start to come to a place where certain things are acceptable in our minds and hearts. Until we have a sense of peace about the things that keeps rolling around. To try to stop it only prolongs it. I get it now…I’m on a mission.
When Joshua died, I was in shock. I doubt it has fully worn off yet. But that first week, I went into autopilot. There were things that had to be done. Calls had to be made, songs had to be chosen, pastors and a church had to be secured, and yes a gravesite had to be selected. I had a job to do. One I never, in a million years, could have fathomed but God gave me the strength and the people that week to make it all happen. Once that mission was complete, I was slapped in the face with nothing…nothing to do, nothing to put my hands to, no mission. And then the thinking began.
The thinking is exhausting. It’s like trying to put a puzzle together but there are so many blank pieces. How is it possible to muddle through this. Questions kept rising up and not having answers was not an option. So, a new mission arose. I had to know more about the circumstances. How did we get from there to here. None of it added it up. The details were not making sense. Because I pushed and I sorted and I have gotten more answers and so much confirmation that Joshua knew how loved he was and that things aren’t always what we first assume, I have made peace with the circumstances. I don’t like them and it won’t bring him back but I am settled in knowing what I know and now I know that I have yet another mission.
This won’t be the last mission in his journey. Far from it, I’m sure. But I want to heal. I want to move forward and carry Joshua’s legacy of love. I want to do something good in his honor. I want to understand how grief works and what I can do for me and those who love him to help us not be stuck. I don’t want to be stuck and I know Joshua wouldn’t want that either. So I will share. And I will listen to others share. And together, we will engage in this mission to begin to heal.