I took a shower today. I promise it’s not the first since Joshua passed 22 days ago. But I will admit they have been few and far between. I opened the blinds in the bedroom and watched from my bed as the snow slowly melted. I thought the sunlight or warm water might help me feel a little better. It didn’t. I know logically that nothing can ease this ache right now. It’s a process I’m going to have to walk through. But it doesn’t stop my mind from searching for things to help lessen the pain, to momentarily stop the sobbing. The energy it takes to do such simple things is immense. I never knew it could be so difficult to do the tiniest tasks, like washing out a cereal bowl. It feels ridiculous and totally reasonable at the same time.
Grief has already changed me in a fundamental way.